Fun and Humor

Rule 62 Don't Take Yourself So Seriously

 

The Juggler

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

The Cow

There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

 

Some Sort of Joke?

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"

 

Jim, An Alcoholic?

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "He knows when to stop."

 

A Beer...

A beer was spilt on the barroom floor,

And the bar was closed for the night...

And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,

Who made a funny sight...

He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,

And back on his haunches he sat...

And all through the night you could hear him yell,

"Bring on the damn cat!"

 

Why Don't You Stay A While

After spending a happy evening drinking together, two acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar, same time. Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks around, and sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd really see you here!"

The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"

 

One Nun, Two Nun

A rather drunk man was walking along the street one day. He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous. The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said, "Now how in the hell did she do that?"

 

Size Doesn't Matter

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!"The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was Monkey Wrench from Sears."

 

A Little Short

A guy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the guy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The guy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" The guy says, "Fifty cents."

 

Drinking Problem

This guy goes into a bar and sees a man pounding shots of bourbon as fast as the bartender can pour them. He watches for a while then finally goes up to the drunk."What kind of a way is that to drink good bourbon?" he asks.

"It's the only way I can drink it since my accident," the man replies, throwing down two more shots in fast order.

"What kind of accident was that?"

The man guzzles another shot, shudders and then answers, "I once knocked over a drink with my elbow."

 

Can You Identify?

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.

 

How Bout Now?

How many Al-Anons does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None. They leave it alone and let it screw it's self.

 

Know Anyone Like This?

If an alcoholic says something in the forest and there's no al-anon there to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

More Alanon Humor

How can you tell you're at an Alanon meeting?

Someone spills their coffee and everyone gets up to clean it up.

 

Run On Sentence....

Did you hear there's a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?

It's called on-and-on-anon

 

The Results Are In

My drug of choice was more.

 

Co Dependent No More

Three people, one of whom was a codependent, were in line to be executed at the guillotine. The first person stuck his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and the blade fell, only to stop an inch above the person's neck. The executioners saw it as a sign from God and so decided to let the person go. The next person put his head in the hole, the rope was cut, and again, the blade stopped an inch above the person's neck. That person, too, was released. As the codependent walked up for his turn at the guillotine, he turned to the executioner and said: "You know, I think I know how to fix that."

 

Typical

Ask an alcoholic what time it is and he'll tell you how to build a clock

 

Full Flight from Reality

A guy goes to a friend's funeral and during the service asks the man's aunt,

"What a shame, how did he die?"

"Cirrhosis," she laments.

"That's terrible, did he ever quit drinking?"

Oh, no," she replied. "It never got that bad."

 

Alcoholic Exercise Routine

Since I've joined AA, I've gained quite a bit of weight. A friend told me it was because I didn't get as much exercise as I used to. "But I never exercised while I was still drinking," I protested. "Sure you did," he countered. "Here's the exercise program you were on:"

- Hitting the bottle

- Beating yourself up

- Bending the rules

- Stretching the truth

- Jogging your memory

- Running into trouble

- Jumping to conclusions

- Stepping on toes

- Climbing the walls

- Dodging responsibility

- Pushing your luck

- Pulling the wool over peoples eyes

- Walking all over people

- Carrying a grudge

- Throwing fits

- Picking up the pieces.

Wow! Small wonder I've put on a few pounds!

 

ONE LINERS

 

Have a nice day unless you’ve made other plans.

Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat.

He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass; for every man has to be forgiven.

He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who doesn’t ask remains a fool forever.

He who forgives ends the quarrel.

He who gives while he lives also knows where it goes.

He who has a thing to sell and goes and whispers in a well, is not so apt to get the dollars as he who climbs a tree and hollers.

He who throws mud loses ground.

Hearing is a gift, listening is an art.

Help is only a phone call away.

Humility is our acceptance of ourselves.

Enthusiasm is the father of excellence.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Every time a man laughs he takes a kink out of the chain of life.

Every time I close the door on reality it comes back in through the window.

Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Expectations are resentments under construction

Don’t count the days make the days count.

A bad conscience has a very good memory.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

AA is education without graduation.

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.

Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then it took away the sky.

No matter the length of the journey the first step is always the hardest.

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

Never explain.. your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.
Character is what you stand for, reputation is what you fall for.

Make sure words touch wisdom tooth on way out of mouth.

Don’t be afraid to strive to be first; first to nod, first to smile, first to speak and first to forgive.

Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

Don’t run your life in such a way that people will want your fingerprints ..instead of your autograph.

If you are going to kill time try working it to death.

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got.

Learn from the mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Measure twice, cut once.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never confuse motion with action.

Never let yesterday use up today.

Pay attention to your enemies for they are the first to discover your mistakes.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

People may doubt what you say but they will always believe what you do.

One of the most important trips a person can make is the one where he meets another halfway.

Practice makes perfect so be careful what you practice.

Remember, when you throw dirt, you are losing ground.

Speak kind words and you will hear echoes.

Speak when you are angry and you will deliver the best speech you will ever regret.

Swallowing angry words is much better than having to eat them.

Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself.

Take my advice..I’m not using it!

The more he spoke of his honesty....the closer I watched my purse.

The time to stop talking is before people stop listening.

Trust your hunches they are usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.

Never say never.

 

DRINK

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  ~ Ernest Hemingway

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  ~ Author Unknown

I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.  ~  John Marcellus Huston

If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi.  
~ Author unknown,  seen on a bumper sticker

Draft beer, not people.  ~ Author Unknown

The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.  ~ Author Unknown

When the wine goes in, strange things come out.  ~ Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, The Piccolomini, 1799

If drinking is interfering with your work, you’re probably a heavy drinker.  If work is interfering with your drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic.  ~ Author Unknown

If you know someone who tries to drown their sorrows, you might tell them sorrows know how to swim.  ~ Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!       ~ William Shakespeare, Othello

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.  ~ Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

This is one of the disadvantages of wine:  it makes a man mistake words for thought.         ~  Samuel Johnson

One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.  ~ Lady Astor

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.           ~ W.C. Fields

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.        ~  Author unknown,  seen on a bumper sticker

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.     ~  W.C. Fields

You don’t have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps.   ~ Author Unknown

When the wine is in, the wit is out.  ~ Proverb

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it’s compounding a felony.  ~ Robert Benchley

The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.  ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.     ~  Graham Greene

Drunkenness is temporary suicide.  ~ Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

Wine gives a man nothing... it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost.        ~  Samuel Johnson

A man ought not never to get drunk above the neck.  ~ Author Unknown

If you wish to keep your affairs secret, drink no wine.  ~ Author Unknown

Zen martini:  A martini with no vermouth at all.  And no gin, either.  ~ P.J. O'Rourke

I’m going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.  ~ Phil Harris

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.  ~Seneca

If we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class.  There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall in to this vice.  The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and generosity.  ~ Abraham Lincoln, address to the Washington Temperance Society, Springfield, Illinois, 22 February 1842

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.  ~ Robert Heinlein

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  ~ Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.  Drinks right out of the bottle.    ~ Henny Youngman

 

MARK TWAIN

A classic --something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. 
 
Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.

The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man’s I mean.

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint. 

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.

Get you facts first, and then you can distort ‘em as much as you please.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth; he could not even lie. 

It is not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that make horseraces.

Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity -- these are strictly confined to man; he invented them, among the higher animals there is no trace of them, they hide nothing, they are not ashamed.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Never learn to do anything; if you don’t learn, you’ll always find someone else to do it for you.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

Work consists of whatever a body  is obliged to do, and play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their marriage were not perceived to have any relationship.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person

The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to the other creatures but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creatures that cannot.
You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial “we.”

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Clothes make the man; naked people have little or no influence in society.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up.

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine; everybody drinks water.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

 

One Liners

 

The price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The less you say the more people will remember.

There is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem.

There is no problem that a drink will not make worse.

There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

The ten commandments are not multiple choice.

There are two ways of being rich; one is to have all you want, the other is to be satisfied with what you have.

The secret of living happily, purposefully and abundantly is found in these simple words: Make Today Count.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime.

The strongest tree is the one that bends.

The time is always right to do the right thing.

Two thirds of promotion is motion.

The present is the future that appeared so mysterious to us a few days ago.

The man who rows the boat generally does not have the time to rock it.

The greatest test of strength is whether you can shoulder another man’s burden.

Those who know how to enjoy life are not poor.

True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable.

Time spent getting even is time lost getting ahead.

Time may heal all wounds but love will do it quicker.

Tribulation brings endurance, endurance brings experience, and experience brings hope.

Never explain..your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway.

Never get so  open minded that your brains fall out.

 

Never let yesterday use up today.

Never taunt an alligator until you get to the other side of the river.

Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past.

No man knows less than the man who knows it all.

No matter the length of the journey, the first step is always the hardest.

No pain.....no gain.

Not one of us have it all together but together we have it all.

Nothing is as busy as an idle rumor.

Nothing is so bad a drink won’t make it worse.

Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.

NUTS --Not Using The Steps.

Sanity is a playground for the unimaginative. 

Seek joy in what you give, not in what you get.

Self pity is your worse enemy.

Smile for it takes only 13 muscles and a frown takes 64 muscles.

Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off ourselves.

Sobriety is a journey not a destination.

Some folks won’t look up until they are flat on their backs.

Some of us are sicker than others.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it’s letting go.

Some people develop eye strain looking for trouble.

Some tasks have to be put off dozens of times before they’ll slip your mind completely.

Success and failure can be equally disastrous.

Success is never final, but failure can be.

 

  Montaigne On Pain ..... And Life

 

T’is in some sort a kind of dying to avoid the pain of living well.

It’s madness to nourish infirmity.

Order it so that your virtue may conquer your misfortune.

Health is altered and corrupted by their frequent prescriptions.

Rather be less while old than be old before I am really so.

They have not the courage to suffer themselves to be corrected.

Sometimes the body first submits to age, sometimes the mind.

Do thine own work, and know thyself.

The storm is only begot by a concurrence of angers.

Drugs being in its own nature an enemy to our health.

Physician’s “help”, which is very often an obstacle.

Go out of ourselves, because we know not how there to reside.
Revenge more wounds our children than it heals us.

Fear: begets a terrible astonishment and confusion.
Must for the most part entertain ourselves with ourselves.

At least, if they do no good, they will do no harm.

Virtue and ambition, unfortunately, seldom lodge together.

I find no quality so easy to counterfeit as devotion.

True liberty is to be able to do what a man will with himself.

The conduct of our lives is the true mirror of our doctrine.

Reverse of truth has a hundred thousand forms.

Courtesy and good manners is a very necessary study.

Physicians are not content to deal only with the sick.

Desire of riches is more sharpened by their use than by the need.

We do not easily accept the medicine we understand.

Who ever saw one physician approve of another’s prescription?

Things often appear greater to us at distance than near at hand.

The most manifest sign of wisdom is a continual cheerfulness.

We do not so much forsake vices as we change them.

There are defeats more triumphant than victories.

Fortune sometimes seems to delight in taking us at our word.

Man can never be wise but by his own wisdom.

Physicians: earth covers their failures.